my thoughts slightly censored

Seed of hope

2009-09-15T11:39:00.001-07:00

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x^e

2009-09-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

"Although you will still have to be disciplined and master your craft, God can supernaturally empower you to accomplish things within your profession that are humanly impossible" Jim Laffoon. I never thought i'd see America have a black president, politics aside i didn't think it was possible, not in my lifetime. its written that God gave Daniel and the three boys knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning.

These young men had lost their homes, been separated from their families, they were being held captive in someone else's land. They had every reason to believe God had abandoned them... if it were me i'd be depressed and in my bed thinking about how wronged i've been, asking God how he could allow such a thing to happen or how terrible i must have been to make him punish me like that.

The young men were picked to be trained to serve the king and offered food from the kings table that they knew had been defiled and they refused, choosing to eat vegetables and water. So this is me in a cell after being taken away from all my comfort, sulking, then i'm offered things i know i should not indulge in... I'd be thinking clearly God has abandoned me, and you know what maybe this is his way of making it up to me, why opt to suffer, those rules don't make sense anyway, maybe he wont be so mad, i can repent later.

I know for sure if it were me I'd be stuck feeling sorry for myself, I'd be focusing on what was taken from me, what i didn't have, i would have taken the option of temporary satisfaction to make the hell i was living in a little bearable..

So the young men live in obedience and God makes them better, brighter and more superior in intellect than anyone else in that land. Its amazing that God gave them knowledge and understanding so as to put them in a position of influence where everyone could see their faith and eventually the whole nation was transformed by it. They weren't born with it, it was given to them. I'm reminded of Moses and his inability to speak and God offered to give him the ability and he refused.

I'm one who's used my personality and my limitations as excuses not to do something, I'm beginning to realise that it doesn't matter what i think my talent isn't, God can take what i have and multiply it to take me to where his word needs to be reached. God anoints his children in every profession, from scientists to actors to elevate us to a level where people can see him through us, but many times like Moses we say no, i cant..

my name is

2009-08-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

I hate insect of all kinds, i do not discriminate but the one i loath the most is a cockroach; I would rather move than live with roaches. Last night i begin to fixate on a what i would do if there was a roach in my room, it got so bad i dreamed about it, i could see the thing.. my faith in its presence got so big and loh and behold what do i see the next day catwalking into my room... A HUGE ROACH!

I've always known that fear works the same way as faith, it made me think of the things i've feared their way into my life. since my last blog i've been thinking and doing research looking for men and women today who would stand head to head with the greats of the bible, those who deserve to be called the sons of God revealed. i found quite a couple... i wasn't in it..

The first thing that the Babylonian's tried to take from Daniel and the three boys was their name. i've let my name be taken away from me several times.. the name i got not because of the great things i've done but because Christ died for me.. i am a son of God. I am the son of a God who took mud and formed blood and veins and organs and made a body that scientists still look at in wonder only understanding a fraction of it.. Many centuries later Christ would make mud out of spit and make someone an eye from scratch, then say he has given me the power to do all this and more.

The modern day Babylon tries everyday to take my name from me because to strip me of my name is to strip me of my faith. so now i take the time to remind myself of who i am every moment..

your God is too small

2009-08-20T00:51:00.000-07:00

Are you more concerned about your own comfort than the dying salvation of the world? My reaction when i read that question, guilty. but the worlds problems seem too big and un-fixable, all its problems lie with its people and it's a hard job to try and change the attitudes of people.

This world is in need of the God of Elijah, Moses, David, Israel.. People ask where is God today, but God's always revealed himself through his children, so the better question is where are the sons of God? God never changes but we have; technology, science has become what we put our faith in, even when we pray, we hope for a God to work through a means we understand. Sometimes i feel like we've reached the read sea and instead of praying for God to part it we pray for money so we can build a bridge across, we pray for engineers and architects who will do the job in yrs, its so much easier than asking God to part the sea, it doesn't make sense even when we know he has done it before. God hasn't changed..

The earth is moaning waiting for the revelations of the sons of God.. i never really understood that verse but then i think of the global warming issues, the effects that science tells us is irreversible, there is nothing we can do about the damage that has already been done and i wonder... I saw a preview the other day for a movie that said what would you do if the world was coming to an end, and they showed this huge tide wipe out this building making its way towards what i assume is the world..

We've seen the drastic effects of the earth's moan, yet in the bible we are told of a man who through the power of God lifted his rod and the waters obeyed and parted. Men who told the rain when to start and when to stop. The son of God who looked at a storm and said peace be still and it obeyed. Could it be that the earth is waiting on the sons of God to speak to the tsunamis and tell them be still, to speak to the floods and the droughts and the hurricanes, to speak to the land and tell it to bear fruit. God hasn't changed

The thought seems like something out of a movie, but Christ said that we shall do greater things than he. The future of our country doesn't lie in politicians and self help teachings, and positive thinking, it lies in the sons of God being reveled to show who God is in all his glory..

your will be done?

2009-08-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

When in college my campus minister prophesied that he saw me in a vision dancing in front of a crowd, i thought he had his wires crossed on this one. I was in training to become a lecturer maybe go into research but my dancing days were long gone.. About five yrs later i'm practicing to dance in front of a crowd..

Walking in your destiny always sounds like the most glamorous thing, most people are aspiring to know why they were born. "before you were formed in your mother womb i knew you", this are words that i have read with envy several times as i wished my calling come with such clarity.

Few chapters later Jeremiah is frustrated and distraught because his calling has lead him to severe beating, everyone hates him and he curses the day he was born. There many times when i think of the things i gave up to do what i know is Gods will for my life especially when I'm in the grind of things.. I think about Jonah at the bottom of the whale's belly or Elijah at the mountain fleeing for his life, or John the baptist in the desert eating locusts..

Thoughts like those make me really wonder if i want Gods will in my life, for real coz I'm not that strong, i cannot touch let alone eat a locust, hell i cant be in the same room as a locust. I'm still working on understanding where asking for my hearts desires ends and your will be done begins..

I think about where i would be if i'd stuck to my plan and sometimes i miss the predictability and security in that plan.. deep in my heart i always know the only place I'll really be happy is in his will..

no wories for tommorow

2009-08-03T04:23:00.000-07:00

When i started recording music i counted all the songs in my notebooks that i thought were worth recording, the best of me.. i wondered what would happen when i was done recording them, would i have material for another album or would that be it.

Interestingly enough of all the songs i've recorded so far have been new, stuff that has been flowing out of me that i can only say has been given to me. Every time i think of doing a song form my notebooks something else comes to me and i put them on hold, till now i'm no longer worried about what i will sing about in the future coz i know it will come to me.

Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself.. that's a difficult concept to grasp, we've been taught our whole lives to live for the future. I've always looked at what i have in hand, see how it can take me to where i want to be.

I imagine the disciples the morning Jesus performed the multiplication miracle, the number of people are increasing, the darkness in approaching, they probably call Judas to check the accounts, do the math and it still didn't add up. Of course it would be unwise to use all the cash in the savings to feed these people it wouldn't be enough. But the whole time Jesus went on without a care in the world, he did his thing and when time come, the disciples looked at what they had and told Jesus throw in the towel man, we cant afford it..

I think of where i want to be and sometimes i don't have anything in hand that can get me there, but seeing that what Jesus multiplied he got from the crowd, it wasn't something they had on them. It gives me comfort that when the tomorrow comes he will find the resources necessary to take care of the need before me..

the storm is real

2009-08-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know what i would do without Christ in my life because then i wouldn't have a reason to hope. It doesn't matter what stage of life i'm in there's always a need to hope for a better tomorrow. Of course when things are going good hope comes easy but when things are going bad, really bad, knowing that there is someone all powerful who already has a plan for you, and has worked out your way out into somewhere great gives you a reason to have joy and peace in the midst of a storm.

Today i sing in front of a multitude of people and the ones that i hope to reach are a group of children from a children's home in a slum in Nairobi with a message of hope. Preparing for the two min message before the song ended up being a message to me. Sometimes you have to fight to have hope, i understand the disciples as they woke Jesus up in panic when in the middle of a storm that seemed like it was going to kill them.

The most interesting part about that story was that the fact that Jesus was in the boat didn't stop the storm from coming, the threat to their lives was just as real. they had good reason to be afraid, they were in the middle of the sea with a boat about to capsize and the man they put their faith in didn't seem to be aware of the situation, didn't he feel it. How could he sleep through all the noise and the water splashing everywhere.. But then he gets up, wonders why this guys are panicking when they have him with them and one word and the storm is over.

When we have Christ in our lives going through a storm is like going through a roller coaster ride, you know all the safety measures have been put in the place and even when the ride puts you upside down you know your not going to fall because the manufacture already factored in the safety protocols to make sure no harm comes to you and the after a while, the ride does come to an end..

I'm happy today

2009-07-31T02:26:00.000-07:00

The most interesting thing about God is he doesn't always show you his cards before hand, even though if he did i'd probably be a less anxious person. sometimes i wish i could take a pick at my future so i can know what direction i'm meant to take.

i often think back to my dad's childhood, 12yrs old, his dad been gone for a year, poisoned by his relatives, everything his dad owned has been taken from them and his left with seven younger brothers to fend for, what went through his mind. He lives in a village where he has to walk for miles to school bare feet. His mother is uneducated and all she has is her little shamba at the back of her one bedroom mud hut where she works hard to make sure her children are fed and can get an education. He had no reason to hope.

Many years later, he's a Nobel price winner in Kenya, his children have all been to the best schools both locally and abroad, most who see him don't know where he come from.

I haven't had to go through a fraction of the hardships many people have faced, but i'm a testimony that when God blesses you he blesses your generations to come. When i think about what my father has had to overcome my fears seems baseless, so i choose to be happy, even when i don't know what tomorrow holds. I choose to stay on the grind and leave my troubles behind, choose to believe that my God is really mighty and he has it all figured out..

my prayer

2009-07-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

I like to have things figured out, i love predictability in the important areas of my life, I make plans every morning because it calms me, i love to make sense out of everything, i'm a logicl person that way. You ask me to follow a path where i dont know where i'm going and trust that you'll let me know when i get there, ask me to abandon my plans and take yours... honestly, i trust you, and i can walk one step at time for a while then i get scared... I look infornt of me and i see nothing, dont know where this road is leading, i look around me and everyone else seems to have it all figured out.

When i'm scared and uncertain i hold on to something, anything tangible, just to feel secure but then you take it away because its not in you will and it hurts but for a while i trust again...

I ask that you may always lead me where you want me to go and never leave me to myself, my will, for i do not know what tomorrow holds but you do. I pray that i may always trust in you, especially when i'm scared, that i may learn to hold on to you when i'm uncertain. that you will teach me to take the gaze off myself long enough to see that you are everywhere and that you love me more than anyone else ever could.

random emotions

2009-07-20T02:28:00.000-07:00

I think we give people too much power over our lives. God gives us favour with those he chooses and hardens the heart of those he hardens because sometimes out of fear and insecurity we try to grab hold of things that lead us away from what our purpose is.

I can't control what people do but i can control how i let it affect me.. i can choose forgive and let go. I am where i am because of the choices I've made, my next step is also a choice i have to make, and if i trust God he will lead me in the right direction, no one has the power to take his plan from me but me.

I don't have to be afraid about tomorrow but concentrate in learning and embracing all there is today. Today i will celebrate with those that celebrate, cry with those who cry, help those i can.. Today i will open up my mind to learn something new and pray for the courage to complete the tasks i must..

truth

2009-07-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

More and more i've come to realise that just because i believe something doesnt make it the truth. i think the most tragic lies are the ones i tell myself. Like he still likes me when he aint seen me in two months and never calls or everything will work out, while i avoid dealing with issues that require my acknowledging that there is a problem.

The most damaging lies i've told myself were the ones that allowed me to feel guilt over my past, lies that make me look at myself as the person i was yesterday. my inability to see beyond my past translates into an inability to see past other peoples mistakes. I'm a different person with every moment that passes, i have the freedom to decide who i want to be but the more i let past mistakes define me the more i'm unable to see the truth which is i am not the same person i was an hr go. We judge others by the same measure we judge ourselves.

I grew up expecting everything to be ok as long as i had Jesus . If i lived right, did everything the way i was meant to then i would have that happily ever afer, after all trouble dont last long. What that taught me was to wait until whatever the trouble was got over to be happy.The problem checks in when that trouble lasts for ten fifteen years, when i've been praying and believing and living right and it still not working out. its taken me forever to learn that happiness and joy can be found in every moment of my life irregardless of what my situation is.

I believe many times we miss out on the most important things in life while we chase after those that are futile. We set aside our faith many times to get that which we desire. i think we've gotten to a point when we have compromised our standards so much that whats important to us is not how God sees us but what people will say.

I've come to realise that its a gift to be able to enjoy life, to have faith in people, to have the ability to love unconditionally, to be content with your life, to sleep peacefully. lasting happiness and joy is not something you strive to achieve, its a gift from God.. Truth is absolute, sometimes it cuts deep.. a wise man changes his mind.

The hand me down a.k.a mtumba phenomenon

2009-06-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

The minister of finance read the years budget, the taxes on second hand cloths had been reduced, the Masses cheered and i got mad. I love the bargain of mtumba as much as most women in this country, the chances of finding unique cloths that you wont see with every woman in town is really high if you shop at the second hand stalls.

I don't have a problem with the hustle, but for the government to reduce taxes on it after all the textile industries are either dead or on their way there, when cotton farms have gone out of business, designers and tailors can barely compete..

Fashion is indeed one of the worlds greatest con, a group of people get together and decide what is "in" and we all like mindless sheep follow while the magazines and the few people make billions selling you the con. Every year it changes because if it didn't, then they wouldn't be able to make more money.

The saddest part is how we find our identity in it, how wearing a "label" makes us feel like we have somehow achieved something. back to the mtumba saga, they might be cheaper but we need to have some pride, push the government to revive the textile industry, to support local designers and tailors, to help set warehouses for mass production, to increase taxes on imported clothes and reduce them on locally made clothes. Its the only way the price of locally made cloths will go down.

I truly believe we have the ability to create our own fashion. why cant we cash in on this con for our country, for our economy. when are we going to get tired of wearing cloths and shoes that other people have decided they don't want anymore?

a man is still a man

2009-06-22T22:19:00.001-07:00

"A man is still a man whether he wears a jacket and tie, rich or poor, black or white, the only difference is whether he's good or evil.." this are the lyrics from Morgan heritage that changed how i view people. i like to observe people and one thing i've seen is that you can tell how much confidence a man has by how he walks, his posture when around those considered better than him.

I know i've not always looked at a man in the slum of nairobi dressed in oversized cotton pants and a flowered shirt that looks like its seen more washing that any shirt should endure in one life time, to a white man in Raleigh, North Carolina in his expensive suit driving the latest car as equal. that's where the classes lie, from the poor African man in a third world country to the rich white man in the land of opportunity, every other man positions himself somewhere in between separated by some type of prejudice.

Its amazing how many African leaders hoard their power over their people but when they go to developed worlds they cower and you can see that they don't consider themselves as in the same class as what is considered their more powerful counterparts.. A white man walks into a restaurant in Kenya and all of a sudden he gets respect and is treated like a king while an African man practically has to beg for service.. For many Africans a visa or a greencard to the land of opportunity is what they perceive as heaven.. and if they come back they are automatically a class higher than those who've never left.

i once talked to an African American woman who was very bitter about what the white people were doing to take advantage of Africans, funny thing was she had the same prejudice like the people she described, she didn't see herself as equal to an African. i'm not one to judge because God knows i have been guilty of prejudice but one thing that song has taught me is to give every man the respect due to him irregardless of where he's from or how he looks like. i know it may not change the world, but it sure does change my world.

love's lost meaning

2009-06-19T03:10:00.000-07:00

I've had too many "what was i thinking" moments when i look back at my history with relationships. i've often come to wonder how much of my actions was as a result of need for companionship and acceptance and how much of it was about the object of my affection. Someone reminded me recently that Eve's curse was that her desire shall be for her husband, that Eve syndrome sucks.

the interesting thing is that God compares his love for mankind in two ways like a fathers love for his son and like husbands for their wives. interestingly enough, both are demonstrated by men.. both have lost meaning for so many pple. There is so much pain and bitterness attached to the word husband and father; explains why ppl dont understand Gods love anymore.

every woman that has a husband or a father that helps them understand how much God must love them is very lucky.. i wonder why God never related his love to a mothers love for her child, or a woman's love for her husband.. i wonder why he had to ask men to love their wives like it was something they needed to be reminded of.. i wonder who is reminding men to love their wives today..

new beginings

2009-06-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

I'm at the beginning of a career in music that i thought with all the people i know would be so much easier. some people i thought would support me have done a lot to discourage me.. to be fair i've only been in it for a month now, and everyone is entitled to have an opinion, irregardless of whether i like their opinion or not.

so it brings me to the point when i ask myself, if my music never gets radio play or my crowd is limited to the sunday morning audience at church that has no choice but to listen to me because i'm on the program, will i still sing. truth is my style of music is not typically what the Kenyan gospel music is playing right now, i don't have the african beat and i sing in english. Word is if i want to get through i have to sound like your stereotypical gospel artist. My music is a reflection of who i am, my message is a voice from my heart and you take that away and its no longer me.

first song i did i had it all written down but come recording time the key for the second verse was too high i couldn't quite hit the notes right so i took it out asked a friend to rap instead. the producer chopped it up to make it sound right and i had a song.. now i wonder if in the process i took my message out, what i wanted to tell women was that they shouldn't get caught up in the limitations that are associated with being a woman like worrying about discrimination, because when God makes a plan for you life no one can come in between you and that plan except for you, so don't be afraid to dream and pursue your dream even if its unorthodox..

music is my heart, and i will always sing and keep writing whether i have an audience or not and what my beginning is teaching me is that compromising is not always the right choice, taking the easy way out is not always the wise choice, its not about who you know or how good and talented you are because the race is not always won by the swift but time and chance happen to us all. most importantly not everyone will like what you do but never forget why you do it, everyone has a formula on how to achieve success but never loose yourself in pursuit of someone else's formula coz life has absolutely no formulae..